A while back, I heard a principle which was referred to as Dunbar’s Law. Dunbar is an anthropologist who suggests that each individual can generally maintain approximately 150 relationships at any given time. Often if you make new friends in a new job or church, it becomes hard to stay “as current” with the friends who you no longer connect with on a regular basis. Some have a surprising capacity to do more than this; some less. But I’ve found it to be really true, at least in that there are limits to how many relationships you can legitimately sustain. This is why the friends who were close in one life stage often grow apart later in life. How often do you see or talk to your college roommate?

When I was the Children’s Pastor at our church, I was able to maintain good working knowledge of the majority of our kids and volunteers. Many were from the same family so that helped. As I transitioned into a new role, though, I began building relationships with volunteers in many other spheres. All of the sudden, I couldn’t keep up with all of the children’s workers and families as well. I deeply missed some of those relationships, but my capacity was focused elsewhere.

How do you keep up with key relationships?

I think it’s important for everyone to be aware that there are limitations to our capacity for meaningful relationships. When you’re in an industry that values meeting and engaging lots of new people on a regular basis, I have found that I have to:

1. choose carefully into which relationships I’m going to invest lots of energy and time. Filling your life with new people, faces, and relationships all the time could use up your capacity. Make sure to prioritize the key relationships in your life: close family and friends, etc. You can’t use this as an excuse to keep others at arm’s length, but it is important to guard your key relationships. Be willing to be honest with yourself that you can’t be everyone’s “best friend”. You may recognize this need in their lives, but that doesn’t mean you can fill it.
2. use notes, to-do lists, and calendars to keep up with happenings in people’s lives who I want to care for, but may not have the capacity to remember. Simple birthday texts, or “I’m praying for you because I know you have surgery tomorrow” can go a long way to showing care and just require that you make note of these things when they come up.

Side note: Some say that if you really cared, you would work to remember all of these things. I contend that I care enough to recognize that I will have trouble remembering everything. I manage that personal weakness by writing things down. Then I can show that care when the timing is appropriate.

A pastoral example

A pastor I respect greatly shared during a message that there were 12 important men in his life. He has given himself to them as friends and as a mentor. These men are the key leaders in his church and he shared that he was committed to taking their calls and being available to them. Beyond his family, he admitted that he couldn’t maintain that same availability to everyone, especially in his very large church.

Are you minding your capacity for deep relationships?

Recommended link: Unlimited Availability?