Handling Frustration

I recently navigated a scenario with our team where a leader admitted that he felt overlooked, unheard, and unappreciated when a key decision was made. This leader wrote a strong email admitting his frustration to one of our staff members and copied me.

As I read his email, I felt strongly that this scenario would be a lesson from God for all of us in how to handle frustration. You see, even though this scenario placed our staff member in the difficult position of answering the frustration, the same scenario has played out before where they were sitting in the frustrated seat. And even as I realized that, God reminded me that I also have been in that seat quite a few times. All of us have. The question is “how do we handle it?”.
Based on experience from both sides of the frustration, here are a few lessons I have learned:
1. Always go up. Up the ladder or the chain of command, that is. When you are bothered about something, it’s one thing to share your pain with your peers or those you supervise. But this inevitably only furthers the angst in the organization. If you want to help move the team toward health, you need to share your feelings with your supervisor or leader above you and work it out there.
2. Consider your own contribution. I’m not saying your frustration is your fault, but there really are two sides to every story. Were you available to offer input when the item was being discussed? Or were you too busy or out that day? Taking responsibility for part of the situation will make it easier to approach your leader with grace.
3. Bring an alternate solution. Leaders in many cases are trying to solve problems. If you feel frustrated with how your leader is handling something, rather than just voicing your feelings, can you bring a new perspective or alternate idea?
4. Extend grace both ways. Believe the best. In 15+ years of ministry, I have been frustrated and been guilty of frustrating others. Never once was anyone malicious in their decision making that led to that frustration. Get humble and seek out your leader with a heart for reconciliation. “God gives grace to the humble…”
How about you? Any other tips for navigating frustration?

Designate a Landmark

“Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight… These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” – Joshua 4:2-8


A landmark is defined as a place that is of outstanding historical, aesthetic, or cultural importance, or an object that serves as a guide for people trying to find a place.


In my ministry life, I have seen God do amazing things and bring me repeatedly to a new place of relationship with Him. One thing I have tried to do and encouraged others to do is to build a landmark, a memorial to identify a geographical place which you connect with what God did during that season.


The Israelites did this, at God’s direction, to remind themselves what He had brought them through, out of slavery and through the waters to save them from their enemies.


A few of mine:
– the pier on the Bohicket River outside Charleston, SC where I met with God while at Boy Scout summer camp as a teen. My “walk” with God became more real than ever before as I converted my teen angst into seeking Him for direction for my life.
– the hospital parking lot where I found out about Hodgkin’s for the first time. I have written more about that here.
– Chapel Hill is a collective landmark of memories from my college days, meeting Adena, making new friends, and connecting to the ministry that I am still connected with today.


What about you? Can you identify any landmarks in your journey? Visit them periodically. Take pictures of them. Journal about them.


Designating these places as significant in your life will esteem what God has done and help keep you on the path He has for you.

Don’t Overvalue Feedback

Feedback is a valuable thing for us as leaders. But it also has some drawbacks.

If you build good feedback loops so you gain information on what kind of results you are producing, you can make changes to better achieve your targets. You can adjust your strategy, your methods, and sometimes even your goals to make sure you are producing the ends you set out to achieve.

Potential risks, though: because positive feedback is refreshing, you can get addicted. I personally have found myself at times where I need constant feedback to feel that I have accomplished anything. This is not healthy or sustainable. 
When I was in retail, we had daily sales goals. On big days, we would even look at things by the hour. But feedback isn’t that easy to get in a non-retail setting. The first time you do something, you may get praise or critique but after you have done something ten times or more, no one feels a need to tell you whether it was good or not. It is tempting to seek out feedback and want to score yourself every time. But this will drive you down a path of dependence on receiving personal kudos that will keep you from focusing on the more important things in life.
Tips to overcome feedback addiction:
1. Recognize it and choose to work against it. This is the first step to any effort.
2. Bring some accountability into your life. Be honest with your spouse and perhaps a few friends about your recognized need for feedback. Ask them to help you override the mental loops you go through looking for external feelings of success.
3. Recognize that positive feedback doesn’t always mean your goals were achieved. Just because a communication was well delivered and well received doesn’t mean anyone took action based on your request. Some actions actually take years to evaluate effectiveness. Having a long-term viewpoint means you may have to sacrifice short-term celebration of wins.
4. Reflect on God’s heart for you as an individual. He loves you PERIOD. It isn’t about what you do or don’t do. Scripture tells us our works are rags before Him. He doesn’t value us based on feedback or external measures of success. Neither should we.
If you have dealt with similar challenges, what methods have you found to work on this?